1 Month

Dezi is a month old this week. My life has changed so drastically in four weeks. That 20 bucks I would have spent on an 18 pack goes to diapers now. Sleeping in till 10 on my day off has given way to sucking snot out of baby nostrils at 4AM. Instead of playing Call of Duty when I get home, I rush to the crib to see this little piece of me that my wife and I created.
So much has happened since September. 16th, 2009. So many little milestones. It's amazing to me. It puts a proud smile on my face when I think of how Loni and I made it through nine months of the highest highs and the lowest lows we have endured. All for that moment. The birth of our son. And, now he's been here a month.
During this time, I've gone from bumbling Mr. Bean moments of getting peed on by Dez, to a seasoned pro, tossing a second sheet of butt wipe over his little donger, to avoid that golden shower. Loni has gone from being my wife, taking care of the biggest butthead in the world, to a wonderful, loving mother, taking care of the cutest baby in the world. I've got pictures of Dezmond on my phone, on the desktop of my laptop, in my wallet. I'm that guy!!! I made fun of one of my friends for having his MySpace username be "Happy Papa"! I'm totally that guy now!!!
In the last month, Dezmond has been sick already. It scared the shit out of us. He's still a little congested. To think that he's going to be sick so many more times bums me out to no extent. I'm already paranoid about snot nosed kids breathing near my son, or when one of my dirtbag friends shakes my hands. I douse myself in hand sanitizer and cover his little face up. I'm a nut case.
Dezmond has also gone on a photo shoot (or 5 or 10 if you count the ones during his baths and cute moments when he passes out on Daddy's chest or Grandma Angela is watching him while Loni showers). We got pictures taken as a family! He was such a good boy the whole time. He rested comfortably in all of the poses our photographer put him in. I kept calling him Dezmond Zoolander. It was a great experience for us.
I can't wait to see what the next few days and weeks and months and years hold for us. I get excited for every new experience that we are going to have, together, as a family. The Chavez Family.

9/20/09 6:30 PM

Dezmond Enrique Chavez came into the world on 9.16.09 in awesome fashion. Loni had been pushing since 7:15 AM. My mom and my mother in law, Angela, had Loni's right leg. The student nurse and I had her left leg. Loni had been in excrutiating pain earlier in the morning. I think that it was about 4:00 AM or so when she received the epidural, so by this time, I had figured she'd be doped up, she wouldn't feel her contractions. As Chavez luck would have it, by 7:20 AM, it didn't sound like it. My wife was "prego lady in the movies" screaming.
"I am pushing, goddammit!"
"Get that rag off of my face!"
"Just yank him out!!!"

Sounds funny, didn't look funny. We were starting to see Dez's head and flowing devil locks peeking out at us. All we could do was tell Loni she was doing a great job and that we could his head. By 7:30 AM, she was screaming louder...a whole hell of a lot louder.
"Quit telling me that! You've been saying you can see his head for an hour, now!! Please, God, just give me a C Section!!!"
Under my breath, I quietly replied,
"...it's only been fifteen minutes..."

There were 3 nurses in the room. Real nurses. Not counting the student nurse. One nurse was a red headed woman that had a strong Boston accent, similar to White Trash Rob from the band, Blood for Blood. The other nurse was a black woman that sounded like Billy Madison's maid. The black nurse was very comforting in telling Loni when to push, and how to breathe. I was such an emotional push over by now, that I was afraid to speak, to even reassure my wife that everything was OK, in fear of bawling and sobbing in a room full of women. Tough Guy Terrance over here.

White Trash Rob Nurse gloved up, took away half of the bed / table / Medieval torture rack that Loni was on and squatted, ready to catch my bloody baby as he made his glorious entrance into Delivery Room 2. For whatever reason, she thought Loni was done pushing, and took her gloves off, and proceeded to walk towards some of the cold, SAW - like tools that were on a chrome mini fridge looking thing that was 6 feet or so away. Billy Madison's maid was getting the baby butt warmer contraption dialed in, upstage right. And the OTHER nurse was off dilly dallying with the intercom, trying to reach hospital staff that was supposed to be in the room. Even after the events that I will soon describe happened, I'm not sure why the receiving team consisted of Student Nurse (who was on her first delivery. No shit.), my mom (Daria), mom in law (Angela), and Daddy to Be, me. There was no good excuse.
"I've gotta push! I've gotta push ONE MORE TIME!!!"

Dez was barely crowning at ths point. Loni started her push and my kid must have said "Fuck it.", cause there was no stopping him once this last push came. Immediately, I started yelling for the nurse that was on the intercom.

"Hurry up, the baby's coming!!! Hurry up and get over here!!" There may or may not have been random "Dude's", and expletives thrown in there. I must have sounded so frantic. I was all choked up and nervous with the thought of my kid coming out! White Trash Rob Nurse started yelling back,
"DON'T PUSH!! DON'T PUSH!! WE'RE NOT READY! I DON'T HAVE GLOVES ON!"
What the crap?!? So, my wife is pushing with all of her might, and these fuck tards arent' ready?
No.
Screw that.
My son was ready.
My wife was ready.

Dezmond was coming. If only the theme from Conan the Barbarian was playing in the background.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing or hearing. Loni was bearing down and my mom started yelling, as well as Angela. I think we were all screaming for some sort of professional to be there to usher in the new Chavez. Mom started to reach for this blue mat tat was there to catch all the blood, placenta, and whatever else managed to be added to the most surreal moment of my life. It was placed under Loni's butt, so Mom stretched it out to act as a net to catch this jumper of a baby. Dr. Daria Chavez got the makeshift net up in time. I think she had been watching Deadliest Catch all week. I placed my hand in the catch zone and WHOOSH!!, Dezmond looked like he was doing a front flip stage dive off the monitors at Showcase Theater. Dez was a blur of alien pale butt cheeks, blood, sweat, and umbilical cord. It was great!

Dezi hit the net, just as White Trash Rob Nurse rushed to the impact zone. She sort of bounced my son off her hands and Saggy Maggies, juggling him to land on Loni's belly button. Imagine mixing Cherry and Coke Icee and throwing it up into a ceiling fan. Well, maybe not that gnar, but I don't think anybody walked out of there unscathed. The second I saw that giant Chavez dome full of hair, I broke down and started crying and sobbing. Every ounce of my soul shook and twitched with gasps of joy. I couldn't believe it. The little booger was here! Dezmond Enrique Chavez was born on September. 16th, 2009 at 7:49 AM in San Diego, CA. Present was a hospital staff consisting of his grandmas, his father, and a poor girl that was about to finish college. I hope she got extra credit for that delivery.

9/15/09 3:45 PM

It is now 3:45 PM on the 15th day of September. One day after Dallas Winston, Bodhi, and James Dalton died. Loni and I arrived at Kaiser hospital off of Zion Road in San Diego at 1:38 PM. We had an appointment earlier today in Rancho Bernardo where we were told that today was going to be the day. This little nino couldn't have come at a better time. Loni has the most insane tooth ache from a butcher of a dentist. Apparently, all her nerves weren't fixed during that Tijuana job root canal 1 1/2 years ago.

Last night was bad for her. She was up all night from the pain. I couldn't sleep knowing she was in the living room, crying and pleading by herself. Loni couldn't take more than Tylenol Extra strength, so it was doing little more than dulling her pain. We were both pleased to go to our scheduled appointment today with Nurse Brennan. (Loni is convinced I have a crush on her.) After much talk about the tooth ache and Lon Dogg's blood pressure, Brennan decided we come down to Zion to induce this little beaner out.

So, that places us here. In a small room with Nurse Knick Knick, our burping sidekick nurse, kicking Loni down with Vicodin. Her pusher.

Am I nervous?

Not yet.

Am I sweaty?

Yes, yes I am.

Knick Squared, as she wrote her name on our birth plan bulletin board (now is not the time for humor, Knick Knick), just asked Loni if she "caught her pee pee in the bucket." If this is going to be all pee pee poo poo talk, maybe I won't be as bored as I thought waiting for Dezmond to show up.